As someone who often has to negotiate I can honestly say, negotiating sucks. It’s uncomfortable and we shouldn’t have to do it. But we do. And it actually doesn’t have to be so uncomfortable. Recent negotiations have taught me many things about what I don’t like about negotiations but most importantly, I learned that I needed to shift my perspective about negotiating altogether.
There are three truths I’ve come to accept which have increased my comfort with negotiations. First, is that I will never be able to truly dream “big” enough. Imagine two kids, one who is too short to see over a fence and one who is tall enough to see all that lies beyond the fence. The short kid will spend their whole life dreaming “big” about one day being tall enough to see over the fence while the tall kid’s big dreams will be about going beyond the fence. Both are dreaming past the limits of their vision but one’s dreams are bigger than the other’s as the short kid hasn’t yet realized what is beyond the fence. Often when women are encouraged to negotiate its because they are in the position of the short kid. For the short kid, thinking like a tall kid will never come naturally in the same that asking women to think like men isn’t natural and is quite frankly exhausting.
I recognize that what I think is great compensation is influenced by my past experiences and the experiences of those around me. If I’ve always been underpaid and those around me have experienced the same, then my perspective of great is already warped. At the same time, constantly pushing yourself to “think like a tall kid” is exhausting and something I’ll never master. However, shooting for the moon and falling on the stars has always proved me well. Now I focus on the biggest dream I could dream and can either be happy with what I achieve or keep striving for the moon. I will continue to question if my thinking is big enough but I will also be ok at times when it’s not. And every time I gain an inch, it also means my scope of greatness also grows. And that’s a win.
The second and much harder truth is, I will never be paid what I deserve, only what I ask.
The purpose of a negotiation isn’t to get what I deserve --my personal value isn’t tied to my compensation-- nor is it about winning. Every time I get a yes, I’m proud of myself for negotiating but dissatisfied because a yes likely also means I could have asked for more (then I remind myself of the first truth). Negotiation is defined as the “art of achieving your goals through discussion and bargaining with another person.” In other words, it is about compromise. This actually makes me more satisfied when I get a yes because a successful negotiation doesn’t mean I leave my employer for broke but that we both get what we need to be happy. It also allows me to approach the conversation that They received a competent and well compensated employee and I received a job that meets my needs.
The last truth and one that shifted my perspective the most is that negotiating is basically just asking for what you need. In her memoir, Becoming, Michelle Obama writes, “It became clear...I’d have to negotiate my way in, asking for exactly what I needed in terms of salary ... This was simply my reality. I couldn’t be shy about my needs.” Negotiating is not about making demands, its not about being greedy (although I admit I’ve approached it this way) nor is it just about being grateful for the offer. Negotiating in other words is asking for what you need to be happy. Michelle Obama wouldn’t have been happy if she accepted a salary that meant she could no longer afford to pay her student loans. Do you need an extra week of vacation? A regular cost of living increase? A later start date? Ask for it! On the flip side, no one can read minds. So if she hadn’t told her employers what she needed they wouldn’t have the opportunity to provide it for her.
Knowing that I owe it to myself to at minimum ask for the things I need, its critical to negotiate each and every time. If I was in a doctor’s appointment I would ask for the care I needed and if I was in a store I would ask for the clothing size I needed. And I wouldn’t accept anything less. The same holds true when it comes to getting paid. Ask for what you need and engage in discussion as a way for both parties to achieve their goals. And that’s not so scary because we do it all the time.
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